Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I'm no relationship expert but....

I consider myself an expert in many topics: world politics, Sassy magazine(may she RIP), literary criticism, chocolate, diet soft drinks and airport lounges (just to name a few).

Relationships expertise is not my forte but allow me to examine two relationships that are just beyond normalcy.
First up, our favorite couple in love have announced their wedding date. Mark your calenders because November 18th is the special day. Armani will have the honor of designing Katie Holmes' dress.
And Katie Holmes will have the honor of signing her life away. This wedding leaves me with more questions than answers. Inquiring minds want to know will the artist known as Suri be in attendance? And will Katie be allowed to speak? Or will a Scientology handling agent say “I do' for her? Will Tom Cruise wear platform shoes? And will Oprah be there?

Love is bliss!

Next up Kim Porter, Puffy (P. Diddy, Puff, Diddy, Sean) and Jennifer Lopez. Oh Puffy, what are we going to do with you? Now you're claiming that you were never in love with JLo and during the entire relationship you still loved Kim. Can you explain the song “I need a girl” which you made about Jennifer after she sent you packing (I think Jennifer Lopez wrote the lyrics for “Irreplaceable”)? Or the fact that you had the audacity to make a remix for that wack ass song. And I quote:
“But everytime I think about your pretty smile
And how we used to drive the whole city wild
Damn I wish you would've had my child”

I know the PR people at Bad Boy told you that black women are a key demographic for your album sales. But the only black woman buying your story is Kim. I hope she retained her orginal child support lawyer.
And while were on the subject of your album, some people who claim to be friends told me 'Press Play' was not that bad. Well, I had a listen and these people are now on probation in the friends department. Although the song “Tell Me with Christina Aguilera” is hot! Only because your “rapping' is kept to an absolute minimum on the track.

I need to send Christina a bottle of Clairol number 44 Mocha Splash


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