Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Playing with ourselves

Ok, my dear friend K.V. invited me to start posting, but I haven't felt inspired with anything celeb gossipy, pop culturated or trash talkative…until now. Question: do women really need to add dyeing their nether regions to their beauty routine??!! Sadly, a new line of hair coloring products for your hoo-ha that’s been making the talk show and magazine rounds says yes.

Listen, I'm all for startups – particularly if they're woman-owned, as the market leader in this soon-to-be thriving category is said to be. And I'm all for women feeling beautiful about themselves in whatever way they choose. In fact, there’s probably some part of my own (minimal) beauty ritual other people would call ridiculous. BUT SINCE WHEN DO WE HAVE TO MATCH?! I figure if anyone gets close enough to see my top hat and tails, he should have enough sense to love them in whatever state they’re in. (Or at least keep his comments to himself.)

And that’s what’s really sticking in my craw, isn’t it? I fear this is just the latest outrageous length my sisters will go to for some dude. “He only likes redheads? Gotta dye my head hair. He might realize I’m not a natural redhead? Gotta dye my bottom hair…” Where does it end, my beloveds? We’re going to make life even harder on ourselves by trying to trick men into thinking a woman's body is perfectly symmetrical in every way. But how many of them run out and grab a bottle of chemicals when the hair on their head is brownish but their beard grows in black?

Surely women aren’t pressuring each other into expanding their dyeing canvas. No one’s ganging up on the follicly mismatched in area locker rooms. No one’s looking at herself in the mirror and saying, "Great thighs, perfect breasts, lovely skin, but boy I wish every hair on my body was the same color..."? And I’d like to see the stats on how many lesbians would even give these products the time of day…

Look, if the disconnect between your cuff and collar is so great that you have to take some peroxide to your pet, then maybe blonde isn't your best color in the first place. But let’s face it: at least one of you has already done a web search to find the products of which I speak. And as soon as some hair changeling celebrity gets on board – J-Lo? Linda Evangelista? Mary J? Pink? – then we’re all doomed. I say no! I say power to the p***y! I say let her be who she wants to be! Thank you and good night.

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